Today

Today was supposed to be the day that I told the rest of the church staff that I was pregnant.  Today was supposed to be a day of joy...congratulations...hugs...excitement.  Today I was supposed to be 13 weeks along in my pregnancy.

It wasn't.  I'm not.

Today is not what it was supposed to be.  Instead, today was pretty normal.  I went to work, sat in meetings, went grocery shopping, browsed Pinterest and contemplated what to wear to my friend's bridal shower this weekend.  Today, when I overheard someone talking about their newborn, I wasn't picturing my baby.  Today, my pants fit just fine and I had no intense desire for salsa.

It's been six weeks since we found out that our baby died.  Some days it is easy to forget what was supposed to be.  Some days, like today, it's hard.  Some days it seems like the miscarriage happened months and months ago.  Today, it felt like it was last week.  But instead, last week I had my follow-up doctor's appointment to make sure my body was healing.  It is.  My heart is too, just slower.

Most days aren't like today.  Most days I can talk about babies, dream of our future children and not think about what was supposed to be.  Because the truth is, it isn't.  I thought it was supposed to be, but that was just how it looked from where I stood.  I'm still too close to see the big picture, but I'm far enough away to know that what I had thought was true was only a dream. 

I'm learning, my friends, how to live in this world that was not supposed to be.  But it is a difficult lesson, and I don't particularly like the subject matter. 

JB