Painfully-Aware-That-I'm-Not-A-Mother Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day.

I really thought I was going to be fine.  A ton of family was coming to church with us, my parents were coming to our house for lunch then out for frozen yogurt and it was my first Sunday evening off in quite a while.  I was even brave enough to not use my waterproof mascara.  I even forced a smile when one of our friends' brother (who doesn't know our story) said, "Happy Mother's Day!  Oh, never mind, you're not even a mom".  I hugged my in-laws, greeted students and ignored the lump in my throat.

Then the video started playing. 

The worship team was singing a beautiful song about being surrounded by God's blessings, and on the screens behind them there was a video of different moms from our church playing with their kids, a pregnant woman (my age) looking lovingly down onto her big belly.  Happy families.  Snuggling babies.  Laughing children.

I lost it.  I walked straight to the women's bathroom and ugly cried.  I tried telling myself that it was just another day and that I would get to be a mother someday, but it wasn't just another day and I am not a mom.  I let myself be sad, heartbroken and hurt.  I held my empty stomach and let the tears run down my cheeks.  I was empty, both physically and emotionally.  I mourned the death of my child.  Alone, in the corner bathroom stall.  After the room and my eyes had emptied, I cleaned my face up and walked back into the worship center.  Jackie, a girl from our small group was ushering and gave me a little fist pump.  You can do this. 

I hope you're right, Jackie.

JB